It will be almost a year since i have seen Cosmo- Josh and I left on a cruise and though i created many avenues for the wild bird I hand-raised to choose to stay, he chose to go. In and out of windows for weeks always returning, before that phase Cosmo stayed mostly inside with daily lessons on foraging outside. For a few nights, he chose to stay in trees, but then he would reappear. Frazzled at times, from some adventure that only he and his new starling friends could understand. i was his surrogate mother- featherless, flightless, and i never got to say goodbye in a way that will satisfy my heart.
Now we have Atreyu who lives with us, i am once again a surrogate mother. Atreyu is as blue as a mountain lake reflecting the clear sky.... nimble and smart. Our relationship is healing for me. He has brought me new joy, he speaks to me and tells me he loves me and that he wants kisses. He says this in his parrotlet voice, sometimes he yells it to me, and every time it elicits a smile, and I call back with "I LOVE YOU", and "You give me a kiss".
If it were not for Cosmo I would never have sought after a feathered companion. Where Cosmo fell out of the sky and literally rolled off the roof, a featherless prehistoric-looking baby, Atreyu was sought after and purposely found at a home of a breeder just a few miles from me. Cosmo opened my heart to birds and Atreyu stepped in and cultivated a lifelong relationship with me. I miss Cosmo, i see starlings in yellow beak season, and I watch their mannerisms...and look for a pink ID ring on their legs. i listen to starlings in the morning call out from all the trees, i say to them "Cosomo...Cosmo, i love you and i miss you" - I hope Cosmo is raising a brood with a mate, i hope that Cosmo is close and checks in but knows he must keep his distance so that he can uphold the balance of his wild nature. It will be almost a year since my dear friend Kaydee drowned - there is a lot i could share about Kaydee's impact on my life, a lot I already have shared with the world. Knowing her was a blessing, though our friendship was short - I feel for her family...for a loss that is so profound.
July is eight months from Kattie Kittie's passing - our petite sweet cat who was with us -for two decades, and with us still her ashes are kept close and her pictures are displayed throughout the house. We now have Cleo who was afraid of us for months and even ran away just 48 hours into adopting her. But today she sits close, she likes her belly rubbed and she is absolutely ready to have a good brushing. She has no teeth...so her tongue hangs out at times, and it makes me smile - as it is a good barometer of how chill she feels. The chiller the more tongue.
There was a dream that I had last night, of a blur in a silhouette that I know well, and a voice, the presence - i checked the name listed on the receipt and it was confirmed. I knew this person, though everything was gibberish. I knew them for sure, at some point, I knew them...but they were fading, had faded away. All day today I asked myself who was that person, in my awakened state I want the dream to mean something. I keep going back to it, going back to the passing of time, this is how I have come to the place where I am remembering Cosmo is gone, Kaydee is gone, Katie Kitty is gone as well...Atreyu is here, Cleo is here...new relationships are here - yet what was, is still here too...a bit blurred. Some of it was so laden with confusion, or pain, or my own shame - things i have already forgiven myself for...like a last goodbye that was never meant to truly be the last - wrestled into submission by the absolute absence of forever... no more.
i wanted to say through all the goodbyes...that i miss you, that thing that was possibly just for me...a relationship one-sided possibly...or calamity, happenstance, or ill-fated...yet possibly.... purposefully for good. Like I miss bird droppings, dropped feathers....or pitter-patter kitty feet,..or a song in the kitchen that turned into a jig of silly motion. Little things that did big things in me. All the little things that others may opinion about- (yes opinion about - not have an opinion on), a bird that poops constantly in your home, who would miss that? - I miss wordless things... that's the drifting center point within all these words, within this, -> the wordless union<- ....and it's a ridiculous place for common sense and reason to try and coexist...in the midst of emotions with words that are about wordless things...the union is here still. Still here... still here... the silent thing - dressed. wrapped and draped in my words. Love, still here...blurred.
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